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Kelly Hu, Jenny McCarthy and J.K. Simmons

November 1st, 2008 by Troy Goodfellow · 4 Comments · Electronic Arts, RTS

Red Alert 3 hasn’t grabbed me yet – it’s more average than anything else – but there is lots of cleavage that I try hard not to look at because that would be rude.

Does anyone find it odd that in this alternate universe all the women are very attractive and drawn to the most scandalous office wear imaginable? Sure, the military has a poor record on sexual harassment, but you’d think they could find skirts that went past the mid-thigh.

And the men? All the stars save Ron Yuan are over fifty and suitably attired. Sure, all the commandoes are women – grrl power, I guess, but one is dressed in a leather two piece, one in a midriff baring tank top and one in a schoolgirl uniform.

It’s all part of the aesthetic that RA3 is trying for, a sort of pulp action book world where even the “Allies’ lovely but buttoned-down intelligence officer” has a heaving bosom. It’s an adolescent game, for the most part, with adolescent sensibilities. I like a pretty girl as much as the next straight man, but so much of what is wrong (and right) about Red Alert 3 is reflected in how it presents its fictionalized world. You can find gameplay analogs for the Action Hero storyline, the poor accents and the poor attention to detail that shows wall maps of our 2008 globe, not a fictionalized bipolar world.

Seriously – they have Kazakhstan, Bosnia and I think I saw Eritrea.


4 Comments so far ↓

  • Scott R. Krol

    Aw man, c’mon, when it comes to Red Alert just turn off your brain and enjoy the cheese.

  • Troy

    If it embraced the cheese, I’d be right there with you. Nothing wrong with being adolescent every now and then. I love good cheese and kitsch. Only J.K Simmons really seems to be in on the joke, walking the line between camp and character.

    Sadly it goes only half-way, so the cheese doesn’t distract you enough from what is a step down from Tiberium Wars. In fact, the cheese is so in your face, that its efforts to be a “real” RTS are almost shameful.

  • ilker

    Sigh, I was going to say the same thing.

  • Krupo

    Which makes the foaming-at-the-Dan geek rant all the more sad to read.